You speak English - I talk American

One of the most entertaining and sometimes frustrating things about being married to a Brit is our difference in the usage of the English language. Add to this my subculture of Mormonism and Simon's talent for hilarious phrases. It took some adjustment for me when I lived over there, actually, it was an adjustment for both of us. Then, when I moved back to the states I would have situations in which I couldn't remember which word went with which country. One of my favorite things to do when I lived in England was to tell people "oh, that's how we do it/say it in America." Any time I did something weird or off the wall I would tell people that it was normal in America.... they just had to believe me - well, I guess they didn't have to but they weren't in any position to question me on the subject since I am, in fact, an American and they aren't.

Here are a few translations for your enjoyment.
crib - cot
stroller - pram or pushchair
Binky - dodo or Dodie
trunk (of the car) - boot
hood - bonnet
yard - garden (the yard is the garden... not just the part that has flowers or veggies)
cigarette - fag
napkin - serviette
panties - knickers
bangs - fringe
zucchini - courgette
egg plant -aubergine

Knocked up in England means you went and knocked on some one's door.

A fanny in England is slang for female anatomy - so if you mention your fanny pack you will get some giggles and blushes.

Here are a few of my favorite expressions of Simon's;
You can't polish a turd - meaning - it's (whatever brought the saying on) beyond all hope, you can't make it any better.

Like rocking horse poo - meaning - it's rare (how often do you see rocking horse poo.)

Nuttier than squirrel poo

Okay so all of my favorites involve poo... so I leave it at those ones.

Some of my favorite misuses of phrases from Simon are...
He thought "float your boat" was bad and "pushing your buttons" was good. As in "geez, I didn't mean to float your boat!" and "Does that push your buttons?" wink wink.

One time we were cancelling some plans, I don't remember what it was but I do remember I was really glad to be getting out of whatever it was. When Simon was on the phone to the person he kept saying that we'd "take a rain check." I was in the background mouthing "NO! NO! NO! We won't take a rain check, we don't want to do this later." He kept saying it to the person... when he got off and we talked I figured out that he didn't really know the expression meant we would do it at a later date.

and my all time favorite...
He got in an argument with a guy in a bar and told the guy to "choose the right," a staple statement of Mormon culture.

Ladies' men

Today while I was driving the kids, Joe asked me where he should take his first girlfriend for their first date when he's old enough to start dating.

"We'll see when you're old enough." I replied

"I'm going to take my date to Perry's" says Oliver.

"I hope you get yourself a good job to pay for it; it's expensive."

"Oh well, I guess I'll take her to Subway then."

"I'm going to have my date in our backyard - I'll serve her a cool and refreshing drink and then I'll kiss her over the table." Says Joe.

"I'm going to earn money by delivering pizzas on my skateboard." says Oliver.

"I'm going to be a bagger because that's how you meet hot girls." Says Joe.

"I'm going to have my first date when I deliver a pizza to a hot girl... I'll just ask her if I can come in and stay a while."

So you know that dream in which you realize you're naked in public?

It wasn't quite as bad as that - it just felt as awkward.

I went to SeaWorld today with Elaine (mother-in-law) and the kids. In case you haven't been, they have the sea life shows and "animal encounters" but they also have a water park... as in, water slides. We spent the first half of the day going to the shows and having "animal encounters" and then headed to the water park part in the afternoon.

We found some lockers near to a baby water play area and put all our stuff in there and sprayed ourselves down with sun screen. We then headed to the normal part of the water park.... except it wasn't right by the baby area in which we had locked our stuff away ... it was another 5 minute walk away. My kids were burning their feet and Elaine and I were practically naked (in our swim suits) amongst fully dressed people.

We comforted ourselves with the fact that the water park must be just around the corner. It was almost the longest 5 minute walk of my life.

On the way out of that part of the park (back towards our clothes) a girl who worked there told us we couldn't re-enter the main park "without clothes." I told her we didn't have any so she let us go but it made the 5 minute walk back to our clothes feel like an eternity.... it felt just like the naked dream.

Elaine pointed out that people were looking at us weird. I told her to tell herself it was because they thought we were hot and not because it was weird that we were naked in the non-naked part of SeaWorld.

We don't poop

Our toilet normally looks like this

But when you're trying to sell your house you have to "stage" it to give people and idea about what their life will be like if they live there. Having magazines and baby wipes on the toilet creates the image of some person pooping there. People know logically that someone has pooped there.... but they don't want to know in their hearts. The fact is, even if you buy a brand new home with brand new toilet, the toilet has already been used.... those construction guys use them while they work on your house, even though the plumbing isn't working yet.

So I will continue with this charade of a poop free toilet by hiding the magazines and baby wipes until we sell.

Talent - pure talent

So this person I know, who wishes to remain anonymous, has the most awesome talent ever. You can name any celebrity and this person will tell you what that person *probably* (I'm sure exactly) smells like. I have spent hours naming one celebrity after the other and this person will come up up with a smell to match.

Most excitingly for all of you - this person has now set up this new and exciting blog all about celebrity smells.

Click on the words in bold... that's a link to it.

Visiting Teaching

In the LDS (Mormon) church we have a thing called visiting teaching (VT). Basically, women are assigned in pairs to go visit various women of the congregation on a monthly basis. You are assigned a partner (called a companion) and a group of ladies - these assignments are changed and rearranged pretty frequently but most "active" members of the church will have a visiting teaching assignment. The basic idea is that all the members will be taken care of in this way because each month someone is going out to see how they're doing and see of they can help them in any way. If you are sick or in need of something your visiting teachers are there to help you out and any needs beyond the scope of the VT's will get reported up the ladder so that the congregation can meet their needs. In a normal assignment... meaning both the visiting teacher and the teachees are active members, or at least interested in religion, you will also leave a spiritual message while you visit.

I really like visiting teaching and have been lucky enough to have some AMAZING women as my visiting teachers.... some of my very best friends were my VT's at one time or another. I have had every type of companion... those who always come and those that never come. I have worked out in recent years that they seem to partner up people who are good about doing it with people who are lousy at it. I think the idea is that the good one will motivate the lousy one - in my experience it just means the good one goes alone and makes a useless phone call to the lousy one each month.

I know some people who don't love the whole VT set up and don't see the point. For people like me.... who are really busy and who aren't good at asking people for help when they really really need it, it's ideal. Pretty much the only people I ever ask for help from are my VT's and I feel comfortable asking them because they come every month, so I know they care about me.... or at the very least they care about doing what the Lord wants them to do.

I seem to get assigned the "less active people" (those who don't come to church for whatever reason.) I'm not sure if this is because I love them regardless of whether or not they are Mormon and I am not going because I'm trying to change them.... or if it's because I go every month despite the fact that I have to stalk them to make contact.... or a combination of the two. So when that time of month rolls around and I end up showing up at the door (always with some sort of treat OF COURSE!) I say "Hey sister _________, it's Christy, your monthly stalker!"

Public Service Announcement

If your car is so big that you either can't park it well... or feel like it entitles you to two parking spots... park in the back of the parking lot, selfish.